


My Life As A Teenage Mutant

by The_Weird_Author_1964



Category: X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: I got bored, Meme Culture, Pop Culture, because why not, multiple pop culture references, title is based on "My Life As A Teenage Robot"
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-10 03:38:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11683221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Weird_Author_1964/pseuds/The_Weird_Author_1964
Summary: Audrey Salvatici was "graced" with extraordinary abilities and chooses to not use them for good, but for fun





	1. This is not Crackerbox Palace

I was staring at the mansion in front of me, my only thought is "Is this Crackerbox Palace by George Harrison?" Just then, I heard a voice in my head, “Welcome to Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, I am Charles Xavier, the headmaster of this school.” Even though I look like a person who has no sense of humor at all, I nearly bursted out laughing at that title, “What’s so funny? How is my name and my title fun- Oh my god” I could hear the facepalm in that voice.

“No, this is not Crackerbox Palace by George Harrison, it’s my school for gifted youngsters” the voice called Charles continued as I saw two figures at the door of this mansion; one guy was in a wheelchair and the other guy looked like a geek, I wonder if he likes Star Trek? As I made my way up the stairs I nonchalantly hummed Crackerbox Palace by George Harrison, “We welcome you to Crackerbox Palace….”

“I see that you’re a fan of George Harrison just based on the fact you can’t stop thinking of Crackerbox Palace, more specifically the music video of Crackerbox Palace.” the man in the wheelchair said, “By the way, I’m Charles Xavier, and this” he gestured to the nerd by him, “is Hank McCoy.” I put a fist up to my mouth as if I were cringing or thinking of something puzzling; I was about to ask “Are you related to a guy of the name Leonard Horatio McCoy?”, but now’s not the time for references even though I’ve been making references to a George Harrison song.

The tall man gave a concerned look, “Are you okay?” I shook my head yes, “too bad George Harrison dressed like Angus Young didn’t just appear out of those bushes to make this less awkward….” I thought. “Will you stop thinking of Crackerbox Palace?”  Xavier looked at me with a stern face, I shrugged and simply responded with “Okay, onwards with the yellow brick road. By the way, my name’s Audrey Salvatici, since the author of this forgot to mention it”

I was given a tour of the mansion/school, the architecture was quite charming and sorta reminded me of _Beauty and the Beast_ , “As you can see, the pseudo facade was stripped away to reveal a minimalist Rococo design. Note the unusual inverted vaulted ceilings. This is yet another example of the neo-classic Baroque period, and as I always say, if it's not Baroque, don't fix it! Ha ha ha. Now then, where was I?” Charles continued as I just took everything in with pure fascination.

“So, Audrey, what made you decide to come here? Besides being a telepath, like myself.” the Professor questioned, “Well, I have no clue how or when all of this happened, but anyway I can apparently move stuff with my mind like Carrie White from the novel Carrie, make plants grow using my mind, summon things, and shapeshift. And no, this is my natural form, a human being that looks like anyone else.” I replied. Charles raised an eyebrow and asked me if I could demonstrate one of my mutations, out of nowhere three men dressed in red priest outfits dating to early 16th century Spain, “NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!” the lead conquistador announced. “Our chief weapon is surprise, fear and surprise; two chief weapons, fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency! Er, among our chief weapons are: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and near fanatical devotion to the Pope!” exclaimed the lead conquistador.

 Charles sighed and put his hand over his face, “Why did you summon the Spanish Inquisition?”  I shrugged and stated, “Because Monty Python made a reference to it, and obviously you guys didn’t expect it”


	2. Chemistry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our main character and her friend, Olivia, in chemistry class together.....

“Today we’re learning about the different types of metals that make up the periodic table” our teacher, Mr. McCoy said joyfully. I nudged my friend, Olivia, who sat next to me, “if metals make up a majority of the periodic table, does that mean a majority of the periodic table is fake?” Olivia looked at me dead in the eye, “he meant the metals that are in the periodic table.”

I smiled weakly and told her it was a joke like my life, “Can anyone name a type of metal?” it was my time to shine, I raised my hand and said “thrash metal, like Megadeth or Slayer” then proceeded to laugh, which caused my colleagues to laugh with me at my joke. Mr. McCoy of course shook his head as usual when I make these jokes in class, good thing I explained during the “get-to-know-me” activity a few weeks ago that I make jokes a lot and reference pop culture. 

Our teacher continued to go on about chemistry, even though I don’t really care about chemistry and wanted to make it look like I was taking notes instead of passing notes with Olivia…..

“Hey Olivia” I wrote on a piece of paper which then I passed to said friend

“Yes?” she responded

“Wanna look at dank memes?” I asked via ye olde text messaging

“Sure, nothing much is happening right now anyways”

“How it feels to chew 5 Gum” which she read as soon as Mr. McCoy began turning  a blue furry creature. I leaned over and whispered into her ears, “stimulate your senses”

My friend and I of course tried to make everyone oblivious to the fact we, mainly I, weren't paying attention to the lesson while making our laughter unknown; Peter, one of our classmates and friends, noticed we were struggling not to laugh at our joke;  "You two did that? If so, do it again” I told Peter to shut up and proceeded to "focus"

Even though he was ashamed of his monstrous form, McCoy shrugged it off and continued to teach the class about metals, sadly not Megadeth, Slayer, or Iron Maiden. Then I got another idea....... our teacher turned back into a human, but not himself.

“What? Whoever did this, I’m going to kick your ass” Mr. Mc-I mean Hank Hill said, I was looking at my notes with my best poker face on making it seem like I didn’t do it. Then I got another idea that would seem more fitting to this class instead of a propane salesman, suddenly Hank Hill was replaced with a man about six feet tall, skin tone a bit more pigmented, a black bowl cut, slanted eyebrows, and the iconic pointy ears.

“I find the lack of logic in these transformations quite disturbing and most illogical” Mr. Spock said in his monotone voice, then he carried on with the chemistry lesson. "Even though some of those were amusing, will you stop turning Hank into different characters and actually pay attention?" Professor X's voice was transferred into my head, "Oh, okay." I telepathically responded. "Santiago” I said to myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the "oh, okay" and "Santiago" are a reference to Pamtri, a youtuber


	3. “Why do you two always somehow end up in my office?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Audrey and Olivia end up in the Professor's office for being silly, again

“Why do you two always somehow end up in my office?” Professor X asked with his hand up to his face trying to hide in disappointment, “Uh…….” I tried to jump out of the window but was stopped by the professor who then put me back into my seat.

Olivia spoke up, “She’s the one who caused it, I just end up in trouble for being amused by it.”, the professor sighed and questioned Olivia about that statement. “Because it somehow involves our inside jokes.”, Professor X then questioned us about our inside jokes.

I looked to her, “I don’t think that would be a good idea since it can get really really stupid. And I don’t think you’d enjoy our jokes that much, for a few certain reasons….” Then an idea came to mind, I pointed at the door and asked my companion “is that Zachary Quinto?” She pointed to the window, "Is that Zachary Quinto?" I pointed at the desk, "Is that Zachary Quinto?" Olivia pointed to a chair, "Is that Zachary Quinto?", then Professor X told us to stop.

I then proceeded to giggle, "Seriously, he wants you to be quiet" Olivia told me; "Turn down for what?" I responded to my friend. Professor X threatened to read my mind, because he is aware that both I and the writer of this don't want a telepath to read their mind “Oh dear god, no. I’ll shut up” I said with my hands up as if I were being mugged. Olivia, on the other hand, “I don’t know what you’d even find in my mind, Professor X, so please don’t bother with reading my mind.”

Then I added on, “I mean if you wanna know what the mind of a girl with an imagination that can go from harmless to extremely gruesome, then be my guest.”, Professor X decided to go ahead and read my mind. He heard the thoughts, “my favorite part of  _ Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan  _ is when Khan put worms into Chekov and that other guy’s ears while they’re screaming in mortification”; “What is wrong with you?” he asked, I shrugged and explained that the scene from Wrath of Khan reminds me of Alien.

“Shall I read your mind?” Professor X gestured to Olivia, “Okay, since you already did it to her” she agreed. Olivia’s mind, on the other hand, was a trainwreck of thoughts and chaos. “What even?” the Professor gestured to my friend, “I’ll try to find a thought that isn’t gruesome.” he responded to me. “The peanut is neither a pea nor a nut.” he read my thoughts, “What the hell? A peanut is a nut.”  he read my thoughts, “What the hell? A peanut is a nut.” Olivia responded via rolling her eyes, “Wow Audrey, wow”

“Back to you” Professor X said whilst beginning to read my friend’s mind; he saw Toad, the Nintendo character, telling Mario that the princess is in another castle. “Finally I found an easily heard thought, but why a video game quote?” Professor X was relieved and confused simultaneously, Olivia then explained why the thought was from a video game.

He dismissed Olivia, but not I which caused  _ Hot for Teacher  _ by Van Halen to begin in my mind. I asked Olivia to help me but only told me to stay calm, like that ever works in fiction and nonfiction. “Fine. Be prepared to either fire some of your staff members, suspend me, or suspend two of your students.” I explained.

Professor X and I nearly got into an argument over my mind until the phone rang, which led him to release me back to class. “Thank god that’s over.” I thought, then the Seinfeld music began in my head.


	4. Rude Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is short

“Hey Olivia” I asked my friend who was in the bed on the opposite side of our room, “What?” she replied.

“I just did something either absolutely hysterical or absolutely heretical” I said with a mischievous grin on my face

“What in the world did you do?” she questioned me, as usual

“You’ll see in the morning” I replied

The next morning

The entire school was woken up as usual, but to a different tone instead of the annoying alarm beeps; this tone was also familiar to computer users. My prank of course made me laugh my ass off because of how clever yet stupid it was, “so that’s what you did?” Olivia asked whilst laughing.

Later at breakfast

“Who’s idea was it to change the alarm with the Windows XP startup tune but amplified?” Logan was looking around the dining hall, Olivia sadly blew my cover by glaring at me. I then did the most rational thing by turning into Sonic the Hedgehog and running away at an unnatural speed.

A few months later……..

“Remember the Windows XP prank I did a few months ago?” I asked Olivia the same way I did a few months ago

“Yeah, I do” she replied

“Same concept but different sound” I stated

Morning……

The alarm was at a regular volume unlike the Windows XP prank, “WAKE ME UP! (wake me up inside) WON’T WAKE UP! (wake me up inside)”; Olivia then shot up and began to sing, “SAVE ME!”


End file.
